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“When going through a hard time, unable to see the path ahead, or where to even begin to crawl yourself out of the darkness, remember to embrace the pain because it will allow you to enjoy those mundane moments just a little more. “

Reggie DeFilippo

I have been experiencing a hard time in my life for quite some time. I feel like I am having a hard time with literally everything under the sun and then some. And when I go through a difficult period it is a sure sign I am living out of alignment and I know that goes for pretty much everyone, whether you believe it or not. Coming to realize that you’re living out of alignment is a fucking hard thing to cope with. However, I am not just living out of alignment. I do not know how to cope with unavoidable life events. No one ever taught me how to deal with my emotions, walked me through how to navigate growing pains, or told me death would be inevitable. None of that, the things that I believe to actually matter within my physical existence were not taught in school.

So, what is it exactly I am struggling with right now, you may ask? Well here is what.

Recently I lost an old friend. He was once my best friend and actually the first and only boyfriend I have ever had. He loved me and I loved him before we ever even understood what love truly was. From the age of 10 to 14 we called one another boyfriend and girlfriend. We hung out all the time. We went to the movies, watched random youtube videos, texted one another until like 1 am, and ate velveeta mac n cheese like it was nobody’s business. Funny enough, looking back, it truly was a magical time given that we were just kids, without a care in the world. We went to separate high schools and naturally grew apart. I had not talked to him in a few years, yet, once you lose someone in this realm you never fully know how much of an impact they have had on you until it is truly too late. 

On top of that, my other friend’s 1 year death anniversary had just passed as well. She was a pure light. You simply couldn’t help yourself but smile when she walked into the room. I was just getting to know her and saw a bright friendship with her when she passed. Again, I never fully felt the impact she had on me until she was gone. We had so many plans to hit every single Michelin-star restaurant we could possibly think of and talked about spending 24 hours in Las Vegas with just a hundred dollars, one outfit, and no sleep. And to think a full trip around the sun has gone by and I am still so heartbroken. 

And amongst those things, I have hit a roadblock in my relationship with my girlfriend. There was a point where we were on the verge of a breakup. All our insecurities arose and neither of us knew how to navigate them and acted solely on emotions. We very much have been reactive with one another instead of being proactive when misunderstandings arise. So many heavy emotions have arisen in me and it is so tough to walk through it with no road map.

Now, most of you are probably thinking, “Why in hell is she airing her dirty laundry?” And to those who are thinking that I’m going to stop you right here. It’s not dirty laundry. It’s a reality I am currently living in, and I am trying to normalize talking about our hardships, whether big or small, with one another. Not out of who is the biggest victim, I am not about that and that is a topic for another day, but out of breaking the cycle of pretending like everything is always rainbows and butterflies.

There is duality in this life. Where there is bad there is good. Where there is darkness there is light. Where there is sadness there is happiness. Where there is pain there is healing. Where there is death, there is rebirth. Do you get the point? We cannot have one without the other, as within, so without. However, I am having a very hard time seeing the light in all this darkness. 

Young people in my life are dying, we are addicted to little black screens, people are complaining about how they have a hole in their stretchy pants, our grocery stores are filled with boatloads of processed foods, and kids are getting shot like every other day. I cannot do it anymore. I have no idea how so many people are so blind to all these things and when they are aware they believe it is an inconvenience to them. I simply am struggling to see the other side. 

I want to run back to being unaware and not having to process and experience any of this. But I can’t. Fortunately, I cannot unsee any of this and cannot take this pain away. Yes, I said, fortunately. I am grateful to be feeling all this pain, all this grief, and all this darkness. Some may say they do not wish this upon anyone or wish they would never have to feel the sorrows again. But this is what makes us human. Getting to feel every emotion; light or heavy, we get to experience it all! These moments of sadness and darkness are what make those joyful moments feel so much more filling. 

When talking about the death of the young people in my life it has brought me to learn that death is something none of us can escape, well at least in this physical realm. Death is part of the experience, just like how birth was too. But, have we all forgotten about energy and what Einstein said about it? Let me refresh your memory. “Energy cannot be created nor destroyed.” With this in mind, allow me to offer a new perspective on death. Energy cannot be created nor destroyed, we know that when a person passes their physical body is no longer alive, however, their energy is still in existence, it just no longer inhabits the body it was once in. It is just a matter of where that energy has gone. I just know it can not be destroyed. That’s where birth comes into play, their soul has been rebirthed into something beyond this existence. They’re still accessible once they’re out of their flesh suits and we can reach them at any point, all you have to do is just ask. 

Death and rebirth are seen all throughout nature. For example, when a tree can no longer sustain life it begins to rot and wilt. Eventually, bacteria and fungi consume the rotten tree and feast on its woody tissue. The tree eventually falls and becomes fertilizer and a canvas for the new life. Little sprouts begin to form, flowers start to bloom, and deer begin to graze on the land where the tree once stood tall. A pretty new scene of life has been created due to the tree that has fallen. The nature around it did not question or mourn the loss of the tree, but embraced what was to come! This cycle is seen in every area of nature including our very own life cycle as humans. We just tend to only see what has decayed and rotted and not the beautiful bloom that it has brought. And that is part of what makes humans special though, that we notice and acknowledge the end, however we forget that something is blooming in the distance. 

Believe it or not, we experience death within ourselves constantly. I have come to realize this and I am starting to come to terms with it, which has allowed me to live more freely. This is how we experience death within ourselves: whenever we break old habits or create new ones a piece of us dies when that becomes integrated. Here is a personal example of mine. I once was a person who did what I thought was wanted of me by others. I would say yes to things that I really wanted to say no to. I would wear clothing that actually made me feel uncomfortable. However, that is no longer me, that part of me has died and once that piece of me died I bloomed into someone a little bit more confident and comfortable in their own skin. That was me as a person right out of high school, transitioning into my 20s. I no longer am that person and I have grieved her. Grieved her so much, however, I still love her. Just like how I am no longer that little girl playing in the dirt with the neighborhood boys. But just because those parts of me have died does not mean I no longer love them and carry them with me. I carry that little girl with me everywhere I go and the same with that confused 18-year-old, unsure who she was. They have shaped me into who I am today. I still get sad from time to time because of the memories and feelings I felt while in those stages of life, but they no longer exist anymore. But letting those parts of me die birthed a more confident woman. Do you see the beauty in that? 

Looking back on the people in my life that have left this physical plane, so much beauty was brought from it. Every death brought me closer to the people who are still alive and breathing in my life. Sharing stories and memories of the ones who have passed and showing appreciation for them as well. With each death, I have become more and more comfortable with it because it has played as a reminder that life is precious. I literally could go at any given moment. Tomorrow is never promised. Live every day as if it is the last, which is something my dad always seems to remind me of when we chat on the phone together. It reminds me to share these thoughts with such confidence, to not worry about the amount of money in my bank account, and to drink my coffee like it is the first time I have ever tried it.

Yes, I am really having a hard time, but life ebbs and flows. This difficult time I am facing is where my growth is so pivotal, whether I can see it or not. And that goes for anyone who is experiencing a hard time, this is my reminder to you and to myself. When going through a hard time, unable to see the path ahead, or where to even begin to crawl yourself out of the darkness, remember to embrace the pain because it will allow you to enjoy those mundane moments just a little more. Remember that something is being birthed during these moments.

With all these difficult things that have arisen in this current phase of my life, so much has been birthed from it already. I decided to start working with a mental health coach to help me navigate death and help me navigate and understand my insecurities so that I can be a better person, girlfriend, and most importantly a better version of myself. The death of the ones in my life is a reminder to love and send love to the people who have surrounded me in each phase of my life. I send a little extra love to the families of my friends and send love to my very own. As I close out this post I am starting to see that glimpse of light and choose to move toward it. I just know something even more magical is on the other side of all this. 

I struggle to be authentically me at times; stooping to conversations that vibrate lower than what I am already at. I notice when I am at work I tend to fall into negative conversations with people complaining about something or judging another. I do not like that I engage in these conversations, but I do so anyway to feel included. I know it is an area of opportunity for me to turn the conversation around into something more meaningful, but I get worried that when I do, the people I am working with will get annoyed. When I say something along the lines of, “Alright now let’s say something good about this situation” they roll their eyes or make a sarcastic remark. The fear of not being liked creeps in at these moments.

I was moving slowly the other day, doing only what I was able and not doing more, which I usually like to do, while being challenged by someone who complains and makes judgmental comments. They have a great heart, but a poor mindset, and from time to time it can be extremely draining when conversing, especially when we are put on a task together. During our time together on this day, whenever I tried to change the frequency of the conversation it got even more draining. I felt challenged in a way where I could not fully be myself at that moment.

That same day I was folding some pants and this woman came in and one of my coworkers was helping her. I could tell they were struggling to leave the conversation to help someone else, so they passed her off to me because she was shopping where I was placed.

I let her take a look around and informed her I was there for her when she needed help. I brushed her off and started to have a conversation with another girl I worked with, but mid-conversation I was pulled to this mysterious woman. She seemed so whimsical and kind of out there, but could tell she felt a little nervous. I too was somewhat hesitant in engaging in conversation, due to noticing the person who was helping her at first looked a little uncomfortable, but I let that energy go and engaged.

She was sweet and was telling me how she hasn’t been exercising since the start of the pandemic and that she used to get her body moving 4-6 times a week doing hikes and walks. She was bummed to be back to square 1, unable to figure out where to begin again. Then the woman asked me what I like to do, since all that. After hearing her speak I was no longer guarded and felt open.

I said to her, “ I do what my body feels. There are days when I have lots of energy and will go to the gym and do weights and can run. Then there are days where I want to go for a walk outside and get some sunlight, and then there are those days where my body feels sleepy so I stay at home and do stretches and light bodyweight exercise.”

She seemed to be amazed by my response and said she’d take that type of idea on for herself. She continued to ask me what it’s been like where I was working. I proceeded to inform her that I actually started in Chicago, that this time last year I was living in Hawaii, and that three months ago I moved here to California. There was excitement in her when I told her this. The woman told me she spent time living in Hawaii too and was doing some work there. She proceeded to tell me she was researching and taking courses. I asked her what kind of work she was doing.

She seemed a bit hesitant and waved her arms with dismissal and said “uhh just some spiritual practice.”

Me being drawn to that path I asked her “ Well what type of practice? Yoga? Reiki? Astrology? Sound healing?”

She was pleased and seemed to have some relief when I asked her this. It seemed to be a response she never had gotten. The woman proceeded to tell me she was taking a course focused on metaphysics. And then she branched off into telling me about how she does reiki on herself and struggled with doing the healing practice on other people due to her strong ability to feel what others feel.

“Ahh you’re an empath, I’m assuming,” I said. And with so much joy she said “YES! I am. It can be tough sometimes because I take everything on”

I gave her some advice when I started to take on other people’s feelings as my own.

“When I start to take on other’s feelings I have to pause and ask myself if this feeling is truly mine and if my body gives me a yes or no I either return that feeling back to who it came from or feel it deep to see where it is coming from within me,” I told her.

She thanked me for the advice and told me that I was so young for having such a deep understanding. Our conversation did not end there. It kept going and we pivoted to the universe and I told her how grateful I am to be here and that there are days when I stand out the window and just think “Wow, I am the universe observing the universe.”

“I am you and you are me,” she added.

That statement then pivoted us into a conversation about identity and she enlightened me on i vs I. It was how my dear friend Michael would say “oh how usual”, she brought this up because my girlfriend was just telling me about “I.” She informed me about how the majority of people, to this day, think in “i” believing it to be “I.” The big I being Source or the Universe, which also some refer to as God, whatever name you give your higher power. And I was talking about how identity is seen as something so important to us, but I feel like it causes a separation between all of us, when in reality we are all interconnected with the same collective consciousness.

It truly was a beautifully blooming conversation with two individuals being authentically themselves. It felt as if I was talking to myself, strangely enough.

We talked a little bit more after that, but she said she had to go and that she might be back to get something. I asked her for her name and she said it was Kaylin and I gave her mine. We shook hands and she danced out the door waving her hand out into space saying, “I’ll see you out there.”

This was about a 15-minute interaction with a stranger, but an interaction I won’t forget. I stood there for what felt like another 5 minutes smiling and feeling pure love in my heart. I felt like my authentic self. I did not second guess what I was saying and felt like I was speaking from my heart. I did not worry about how she was going to take what I was saying nor felt afraid that she was going to judge me. She just received it and added to the conversation. It was one of the most genuine conversations and felt a glow within me after that.

I thought maybe I just imagined this conversation or that it was a pure coincidence, but those do not exist. I took it as a sign my guides sent me; telling me I am on the right path and to keep sharing my experiences and to continue to look within to become the best version of me.

After she disappeared back into the chaos of the world, I sat there thinking about the contrast in conversations I had in the past 3 hours of that morning. On one end of the spectrum, where I felt rigid and held back from what I truly wanted to say to the other side of feeling free and spoke my mind with ease. This contrast brought me to the conclusion that I truly need to be authentically me no matter the other person I am encountering. Like I said at the beginning of this post, I tend to bring my vibration down to those who are talking negatively, not saying they’re a negative person or anything like I am better than them, it’s about how I give my power to them rather than standing on my own to help lift them to meet me. I struggle with the battle of self-judgment we humans have adopted and it serves us no good.

When I speak to others, and it comes from my authentic self, people start to speak from their authentic self also. I get nervous that people will get annoyed with me or won’t understand me and I have to come to terms with that not everyone is going to be open with what I have to say or truly understand it. When we strive for validation from others we surrender our power to them, which is a disservice to ourselves.

This post is a great example. I was nervous to share this surreal encounter because of sounding crazy and the fear of judgment from others. But I would actually love to be called crazy if it means I am living as just being me. Living to be authentically you, is uncomfortable at first, due to the noise of others, but once you tune out the noise life becomes seamless and beautiful.

When we strive for validation from others we surrender our power to them, which is a disservice to ourselves.

I also let go of judgment because it has no place here and when I do receive judgment I’ll do what my girlfriend does and return it to sender because what was sent to me was not actually for me.

And to Kailyn, the woman who brought a bright light into my day, I thank you for sharing your thoughts and what you are working on because it inspired me to do the same. You seemed like a free and loving soul and I strive to be the same.

Whenever I hear the word control I imagine a tight grip around someone’s arm and I have a grand problem with control. Yes, I admit I do have some control issues and I recently have needed to learn to come to terms with them and let my control go.

I do not want to say control is a scary thing or a dangerous thing to play with, there are benefits to control, but only within yourself. I say it’s dangerous because a majority of us think we have the power to control everything in our lives from the events we experience to how others feel. News flash, that is not possible.

If you look up the definition of control you’ll get something along the lines of this: the power to influence or direct people’s behavior of the course of events. Well isn’t that a bunch of bullshit. There is no way in hell you have power over another person or the course of events. But guess what? That’s actually a great thing because that means no one actually has true power of control over you! You might influence people or people might influence you, but you make the choices at the end of the day.

To give you a better picture, let me tell you about my control issues and the problems it has caused for me. I am one of those people who thinks that they can have control of everything or at least I want to say I used to be one of those people. It’s a work in progress type of situation. Anyways, I’ve noticed this in two key aspects of my life. Two that I experience pretty much in day-to-day life.

You might influence people or people might influence you, but you make the choices at the end of the day.

That Digital Journal

The first being my job, yes this blog is my job, but I am talking about the one that I get a steady income from and that I go to 5 days a week. I recently stepped into a new role where I manage a group of people and along with that I get to take ownership in directing a portion of that team in visual merchandising. For those who shop in retail spaces, that is the portion of the business that makes the stores look pretty and makes it fun and easy for you to shop. I was on this team before I became a leader and I was used to handling the tasks I was given on my own. Now, I am on the other side of that, handing those tasks out and supporting the people as they execute those tasks. Last week was my first day where I got to lead this team. I passed out tasks and had a couple projects for myself. I gave myself the most amount of tasks because they were things I wanted done in a specific way. Want to know what happened? Nothing got done on time.

So where did I go wrong here? I was having a hard time letting go of my control. I like doing things my way and tend to struggle with letting others step in. These things were things that easily could have been divided up and done if I just let go of the control of the event. You could flip it around and say, “But Reggie you could not have predicted you were not going to finish everything.” That is where I say that’s true, but I knew with the position I am I need to have trust that my team can get all this done and I am here to oversee and support. As being in that position of leadership that’s my responsibility to delegate and support, but I wanted it done in my particular fashion, which is where my issue with control lies.

The other area in my life where I am giving up control is in my relationships and this goes for all my relationships. What does that mean? I realize when things don’t go my way or pose as an “inconvenience” I get a bit irritated. For the longest time my parents have always told me that when they’d ask me to do something for them I never did it when they asked, but rather when it was convenient for me to do it. And now reflecting on it they told me this so many times, and I never fully really knew what I was doing until now. To add to this I have this friend, who I have been friends with since I was 4, and she brings this up to me often because it’s so funny, but now that I sit and look back on it, it was most definitely a control issue. I would go through her things without asking and we would get into arguments all the time because I always thought I was right. When she would try to tell me something new or something I didn’t like an argument would break out. There was a point where we even got into a fist fight about it. I always wanted to be in control because when I was not in control of the relationship I’d feel small.

 DAMN that just came out of nowhere when I was writing that. I’m just learning about myself as I write this post. 

Anyways, back to my point of letting go of control. Control is not a dangerous thing, when we are talking about control in the sense of our own being. It is actually quite miraculous when we control our own being. What I mean by control in our own being is that you are the only thing that controls you. People may influence you, but you have the power to only control your thoughts, your words, your actions, and your reactions. Basically anything having to do with your mind and physically being you have the power over it opposed to other beings. Are you picking up what I am putting down?

To give you a better understanding, let’s take a journey back to my post A Direct Reflection of Yourself, specifically in the part where I’m talking about an encounter I had with someone who was very quick to judge me. During this time I was aware of control over myself, but to the extent that I understand now. When this situation occurred I could have gone to that person and could have ripped them a new one or could have told them that I am a great person and all of this, to “make” them like me or “make” them feel a certain way about me. Instead, I controlled my reaction by not talking or conversing with them after the fact. I controlled my decision on what I wanted  internally by reflecting on what was said to me, and I controlled the actions I took following the event to empower and grow myself as an individual. See how powerful control is?

INSIDE MY MIND MOMENT

When I think about control and why I have issues with it, I think it’s because I fear the unknown. If you know me you know I am always learning something new, so that I know. I think that is where my need-to-be-right issue comes from, which is another thing I am letting go of. I must embrace that unknown and embrace all that I do not know, so that I can know. 

That tight grip I have on control is energy not well spent. It’s a low vibration energy that no longer serves me and I know it is something that no longer serves you either. I am loosening grip and advise you to do the same. Remember the only thing you can control is your own being. You have the power to control your thoughts, your words, your actions, and reactions. When you find yourself in a moment where you are trying to control an event or someone, do this thing I call breath deep n’ ride the wave. Take a big inhale through your nose and exhale out your mouth and allow for whatever is happening to happen. Surrender that control and you’ll see some major shifts in your life.

Look in the mirror and what do you see? What you see is a direct reflection of yourself, correct? What if I told you that you do not just see yourself in the mirror, but actually see a direct reflection of yourself everywhere you look? You might ask how? Let me explain.

It all started about a year and a half ago, when The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz, was brought to me. To this day, this is still one of the most influential books I have ever read, anyways, in this book Ruiz talks about the four agreements to live by and the second agreement refers to not taking anything personally, and for the longest time, I took so many things personally when in reality all those things had nothing to do with me.

I’m bringing this up because there was this thought that Ruiz brought up when talking about this agreement. He ties in this concept, that for the longest time I had a hard time wrapping my head around, until now. He was talking about what you see and hear in other people’s words and actions is actually a direct reflection of yourself. Reading that portion of the agreement almost made my head spin because I thought, “What do you mean what others do and say is a direct reflection of myself? I don’t think a person who calls me stupid is a reflection of myself.” But, now I fully understand what he meant by that.

Still a hard concept to understand? Let me break it down from my own experiences. Now keep in mind these are my experiences and what I took from them after reflection. Ever since I read The Four Agreements I like to think I do not take things personally, but there are moments when it hits me at my core. A couple of months ago I met this person. I was around them for a little less than a week and we shared a couple of laughs and had some good conversations. I gave this person a fair shot to try to get to know them as I do with everyone I meet. But it was not necessarily reciprocated, which is fair, but no reason to be so quick to judge my character and the type of person I am.

This person had quite the opinion about me, saying that I had poor manners, talked over everyone, and only talked about myself. I did not want to take this to heart at all because maybe they have their insecurities and was just projecting them onto me, but me being me I decided to do some introspection. Yes, I should not take this personally, but there was a buzzing in me wondering “why was this shown to me now, what exactly am I looking at?”

Nothing came to me right away, but after I was no longer in the vicinity of them, it hit me. All the things this person said were things that I usually worry about or am aware of when meeting new people. I get worried about being rude, not letting others speak, or when it’s my turn to talk to ask others about themselves. Along with that I also realized that I need to protect my energy and be aware of who I want to be around. I learned that I do not want to be around people who are quick to judge and are always making negative comments, so that was a plus in this situation.

Now, I could be contradicting myself, but I have let the thoughts flow and hope that this makes sense. If not well it is what is and take what resonates with you, but let me reiterate. Do not take anything personally, but be aware that everywhere you look or every encounter you make or every relationship you have with someone it is a reflection of yourself. You see what you allow yourself to see. I don’t remember where I heard this but I know I have heard it a dozen times, “When you don’t like something about someone, it’s actually something you do not like about yourself.” I totally could be making this up myself but I feel had this thought before me.

When you don’t like something about someone, it’s actually something you do not like about yourself.

I am not saying to overanalyze every situation in your life, absolutely not. You’ll know when it’s time to do some introspection. Those will be the times to analyze what you’re feeling, and what you’re seeing. Like how in my experience I provided there was something inside of me, my intuition if you will, saying “DING! DING! DING! THIS IS YOU LOOKING AT YOU! TIME TO LOOK WITHIN.” And trust me I am telling you your body will tell you when it’s time to do that, for my body I start to think about it over and over again. The encounter or the situation will pop up from time to time where I literally will not be able to shake it and I’ll get anxious about it. For me and my body that is how I know when to look at something within myself.

So now let me ask you this when you look out into the world what do you see? I guarantee it’s you. You create your reality meaning everything you see is you in some form. It is only a tough pill to swallow if you allow it to be.

P.S. I recommend reading the book I mentioned: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

I admit I have not always been the kindest person and still am not the kindest person in the world, but I always TRY to choose kindness through every decision I make in this lifetime. I remember my  family used to always tell me I was mean or that the first impression I gave off to people was a bit abrasive or aggressive. When I first heard these things I kinda liked it and thought it was cool, but recently I realized I do not want to be known as someone you need to warm up to. I want to be known as being kind.

I actually met someone who has shown me how important kindness truly is. I have mentioned her before and that is my beautiful girlfriend, but she truly is the kindest person I have ever met and has taught me so much about it. I always wondered what she saw in me the first day we met because I was not the nicest person. I was a person who quickly became defensive and judgmental, along with that aggression that showed up in my tone of voice.  But after learning from her, which to this day she still reminds me to “choose words of kindness” or “speak kind words” and yes, those are her words she’s spoken to me verbatim, she reminds me how important kindness is and how easy it is to share and express with others. My life has flowed with ease ever since I started to understand and practice this.

Yes, we all have our opinions and views, but let’s all think before we speak, post, share and ask ourselves “is this kind to say.” Now I know for a fact there are going to be people thinking and saying “Well people nowadays are just too sensitive.” and I can agree to an extent, but no one is ‘too sensitive’ because sensitivity is a great quality to have and one we should actually embrace, but I’d say nowadays people take things way too personally. Either way always ask yourself “is this kind” no matter the situation because you get back what you put out!!

no one is ‘too sensitive’ because sensitivity is a great quality to have and one we should actually embrace

This is how powerful kindness is from my eyes. A bit ago I was in a minor car accident with this man who was twice my age. He came out of his car furious, yelling at me, telling me he’s going to call the cops, putting the blame on me, and all of this. I remained calm, somehow, and proceeded to ask him if he was alright and asked for his insurance and what not. I have to admit I was shaken up a bit by the yelling, but that’s the reaction a lot of people undergo when dealt with stressful situations. My insurance dealt with it as to why we have car insurance, but when it was figured out he took the time to message me apologizing for yelling at me during the whole ordeal. Now, I was not looking for an apology, but it felt nice to receive one. That man, I like to believe, learned from me by how kind I was to him in a stressful situation. He sat with himself and recognized that maybe yelling and screaming at another person was not a kind or necessary thing to do, so I am going to apologize for it and next time something like this happens to take a step back and be kind. But that is just what I choose to believe.

We are born kind, but are taught to be unkind as we grow up. I am unlearning this behavior and it is a tough thing. I struggle everyday with it. Circling back to my girlfriend telling me to “choose kind words.” The reason why she kept saying this to me over and over again one day is because I was being so judgemental. I was making fun of the car in front of us, while we were in line at dutch bros, made unkind jokes to my girlfriend that just did not resonate with kindness. And so she stopped me in my tracks and told me to be kind. At that moment I thought I was being funny and creating conversation, but after I asked her what I was doing that wasn’t nice and she told me point blank. I shut up and sat with my thoughts for the rest of the drive and really needed to seriously practice thinking before speaking. Along with that, just saying unnecessary remarks and being rude is just exhausting. People get sick of being around you or do not even bother with listening to what you have to say. 

Kindness is definitely not limited to words, it’s beyond that. Remember that saying actions speak louder than words, that works with the practice of kindness as well. Doing acts of kindness will make you become addicted to it. The other week my girlfriend and I went to Target, just for the hell of it and as we were browsing around and this woman approached us asking for some help and so we did. We could have easily directed her to an employee, but instead we walked around the entire store looking for something pirate related for her daughter’s preschool class. She thanked us so much and went on with her night. After that encounter Lauren, my girlfriend, and I looked at each other and were talking about how wild that was because we had a conversation prior about helping people. 

I challenge you to practice asking yourself “is this kind” the next time you send a text message, post a comment, or speak to someone. Do it for an entire day and see what comes about. Along with that try doing something nice for someone or compliment someone’s outfit. I guarantee you’ll feel a lot better about yourself and notice how much kindness is directed back at you. It’s going to be hard to not make that small remark about the person you just walked past that is wearing something you don’t like, or talk about that customer that was giving you a hard time,  whatever it may be, challenge yourself to take the kinder route. It won’t disappoint you!

Imagine this, you walk into work one day and two of your friends are talking to you about how they’re going to be moving to Hawaii for a six months and you encourage them saying it sounds like a great experience. But then the conversation changes into you coming along and joining them, a month before they leave. So, you go home and talk to your parents about it, thinking they’ll say that is an awful idea, instead they tell you it sounds like an amazing opportunity given you never left home for school or lived on your own. Then with little to no planning you’re on a plane to live on an island you have never even visited before.

Sounds like a dream or something made up, doesn’t it? Well, I can tell you it was all real because these conversations happened almost a year ago. And after 10 months of living on an island this past week I said goodbye to what is now one of my favorite places on this planet. I am ready to follow other goals and dreams of mine, but I would like to share what my experience was like and what I learned from my ten months in paradise. 

Living in paradise was absolutely amazing, but it was not all that glamorous at times, if anything it was far from it. It was a raw experience and something that truly shaped me as an individual. I felt every feeling and emotion you could think of. From excitement to joy to sadness to literally everything, you name it. I had an issue with the location of where I lived when I first moved there, to having a friend that didn’t have my best interest in mind, to working with someone who didn’t get my personality, all the way to spending hours crying to my friend Kristin about all the things that I struggled with including wanting to go home. 

But I did not wanna give up right away. My first month or two were a true struggle, but there was a part of me telling me I needed to stay and grow. And I look back on what was supposed to be a 6 month endeavor turned into 10 months of pure growth. I could say I was miserable with the amount of tears I shed, but I look back on it all and smile because I enjoyed every goddamn second of it whether I was feeling shitty or felt like I was right where I was supposed to be. It was all a magical experience and would not have had it any other way.

It was a true love story to say the least. Hawaii taught me what love is. Yes, I did actually fall in love with the girl of my dreams, but  she was the one that opened my eyes to what love truly is, but I wouldn’t have found her if I didn’t come to the island. I not only fell in love with my girlfriend but fell in love with the island, fell in love with nature, planet earth, myself, this mother fucking life I am living. I learned that love is the secret to everything around us. Love is kindness. Love is gratitude. Love is crying. Love is pain. Love is showing up. Love is living. Love is literally anything and everything you can think of.

I discovered my flaws, who I am, and who I want to be and what I want for myself and the world around me. I want to show others what they’re capable of and show them that they have the power to make the life they have been dreaming of. I look back at my time here, which was probably the hardest thing I have ever done, and realize I can literally do anything. The only thing in my way is me and I no longer allow myself to block my own path. Life is about experiencing, growing, and loving. I encourage you to do the same.

Love is kindness. Love is gratitude. Love is crying. Love is pain. Love is showing up. Love is living. Love is literally anything and everything you can think of.

It saddens me that this past week I had to say goodbye to one of my favorite places where I met so many amazing and supportive people. But if I hadn’t gone there I would not be heading where I am heading on my next journey. I close the chapter with my heart filled with gratitude and love. I cry tears of joy and am extremely proud of myself with that amount of growth I have gone through in these past 10 months. Hawaii is forever going to hold a special place in my heart. I will see you again soon!

From a very young age I remember hearing that I needed to “figure it all out.” Figure what out? Life? If that is the case, well… shit.

In high school, while working on college application, teachers would tell us we needed to figure out what career path we wanted to take in order to find a fitting school for us. When they would say that I remember thinking, “What the hell do you mean? I am literally 17 I don’t even know what I want for dinner when I get home, let alone an entire career path.” From such a young age that type of mentality, of needing to know the next steps is, is so engrained and for what reason?

As I am getting older I realize that was literally a bunch of bullshit because no one has it figured out! No one knows what they’re doing, we’re just winging it pretending like we have our lives put together. There are people on instagram showing off their expensive clothing, fancy vacations, nothing but smiles and filters. When in reality they could be suffering with depression or debt, but decide put on this facade to show people that they have “it all figured out.”

There is so much pressure put on to us from a very young age that the present moment is ripped away and the worries of the future are constantly rolling in. That is what life on earth has become for humans. It is sad to see. We worry too much what others think and say about us. We constantly compare our lives to others because someone is seen as more successful or their lives seem put together, while yours may seem to be falling apart. But in reality they think the same thing as you do.

Right now I am currently battling with this idea of “figuring it out.” I don’t know my next step or have a solid idea of where I want to be in life and where I wanna go. But I do know that it is somewhere grand and I will be changing the world in a positive way. My secret to not letting this idea get the best of me is being where my feet are (I constantly tell myself this). And it helps, a lot. There are days where sometimes this collective conscious mind takes over and I worry too forward into the future, but I find away to come back to my feet.

Now look at your life. Do you have food on the table? A roof over your head? A bed to sleep in? Someone to stay goodnight to? Hell are you able to read what is on the screen?? Well if you answered yes to any of these question, let me tell you that you have it good and there is nothing to “figure out” except for what you are doing in this very moment. Because without this very moment there is no life to “figure out” there is nothing to figure out except to just be here where your to feet are and take life as it comes to you. Figuring it all out is a bunch of bullshit. I don’t even know what I am doing with writing a blog. I don’t think I am qualified and I am shit with grammar, but here I am doing the damn thing. Figuring nothing out and just running with it.