I struggle to be authentically me at times; stooping to conversations that vibrate lower than what I am already at. I notice when I am at work I tend to fall into negative conversations with people complaining about something or judging another. I do not like that I engage in these conversations, but I do so anyway to feel included. I know it is an area of opportunity for me to turn the conversation around into something more meaningful, but I get worried that when I do, the people I am working with will get annoyed. When I say something along the lines of, “Alright now let’s say something good about this situation” they roll their eyes or make a sarcastic remark. The fear of not being liked creeps in at these moments.
I was moving slowly the other day, doing only what I was able and not doing more, which I usually like to do, while being challenged by someone who complains and makes judgmental comments. They have a great heart, but a poor mindset, and from time to time it can be extremely draining when conversing, especially when we are put on a task together. During our time together on this day, whenever I tried to change the frequency of the conversation it got even more draining. I felt challenged in a way where I could not fully be myself at that moment.
That same day I was folding some pants and this woman came in and one of my coworkers was helping her. I could tell they were struggling to leave the conversation to help someone else, so they passed her off to me because she was shopping where I was placed.
I let her take a look around and informed her I was there for her when she needed help. I brushed her off and started to have a conversation with another girl I worked with, but mid-conversation I was pulled to this mysterious woman. She seemed so whimsical and kind of out there, but could tell she felt a little nervous. I too was somewhat hesitant in engaging in conversation, due to noticing the person who was helping her at first looked a little uncomfortable, but I let that energy go and engaged.
She was sweet and was telling me how she hasn’t been exercising since the start of the pandemic and that she used to get her body moving 4-6 times a week doing hikes and walks. She was bummed to be back to square 1, unable to figure out where to begin again. Then the woman asked me what I like to do, since all that. After hearing her speak I was no longer guarded and felt open.
I said to her, “ I do what my body feels. There are days when I have lots of energy and will go to the gym and do weights and can run. Then there are days where I want to go for a walk outside and get some sunlight, and then there are those days where my body feels sleepy so I stay at home and do stretches and light bodyweight exercise.”
She seemed to be amazed by my response and said she’d take that type of idea on for herself. She continued to ask me what it’s been like where I was working. I proceeded to inform her that I actually started in Chicago, that this time last year I was living in Hawaii, and that three months ago I moved here to California. There was excitement in her when I told her this. The woman told me she spent time living in Hawaii too and was doing some work there. She proceeded to tell me she was researching and taking courses. I asked her what kind of work she was doing.
She seemed a bit hesitant and waved her arms with dismissal and said “uhh just some spiritual practice.”
Me being drawn to that path I asked her “ Well what type of practice? Yoga? Reiki? Astrology? Sound healing?”
She was pleased and seemed to have some relief when I asked her this. It seemed to be a response she never had gotten. The woman proceeded to tell me she was taking a course focused on metaphysics. And then she branched off into telling me about how she does reiki on herself and struggled with doing the healing practice on other people due to her strong ability to feel what others feel.
“Ahh you’re an empath, I’m assuming,” I said. And with so much joy she said “YES! I am. It can be tough sometimes because I take everything on”
I gave her some advice when I started to take on other people’s feelings as my own.
“When I start to take on other’s feelings I have to pause and ask myself if this feeling is truly mine and if my body gives me a yes or no I either return that feeling back to who it came from or feel it deep to see where it is coming from within me,” I told her.
She thanked me for the advice and told me that I was so young for having such a deep understanding. Our conversation did not end there. It kept going and we pivoted to the universe and I told her how grateful I am to be here and that there are days when I stand out the window and just think “Wow, I am the universe observing the universe.”
“I am you and you are me,” she added.
That statement then pivoted us into a conversation about identity and she enlightened me on i vs I. It was how my dear friend Michael would say “oh how usual”, she brought this up because my girlfriend was just telling me about “I.” She informed me about how the majority of people, to this day, think in “i” believing it to be “I.” The big I being Source or the Universe, which also some refer to as God, whatever name you give your higher power. And I was talking about how identity is seen as something so important to us, but I feel like it causes a separation between all of us, when in reality we are all interconnected with the same collective consciousness.
It truly was a beautifully blooming conversation with two individuals being authentically themselves. It felt as if I was talking to myself, strangely enough.
We talked a little bit more after that, but she said she had to go and that she might be back to get something. I asked her for her name and she said it was Kaylin and I gave her mine. We shook hands and she danced out the door waving her hand out into space saying, “I’ll see you out there.”
This was about a 15-minute interaction with a stranger, but an interaction I won’t forget. I stood there for what felt like another 5 minutes smiling and feeling pure love in my heart. I felt like my authentic self. I did not second guess what I was saying and felt like I was speaking from my heart. I did not worry about how she was going to take what I was saying nor felt afraid that she was going to judge me. She just received it and added to the conversation. It was one of the most genuine conversations and felt a glow within me after that.
I thought maybe I just imagined this conversation or that it was a pure coincidence, but those do not exist. I took it as a sign my guides sent me; telling me I am on the right path and to keep sharing my experiences and to continue to look within to become the best version of me.
After she disappeared back into the chaos of the world, I sat there thinking about the contrast in conversations I had in the past 3 hours of that morning. On one end of the spectrum, where I felt rigid and held back from what I truly wanted to say to the other side of feeling free and spoke my mind with ease. This contrast brought me to the conclusion that I truly need to be authentically me no matter the other person I am encountering. Like I said at the beginning of this post, I tend to bring my vibration down to those who are talking negatively, not saying they’re a negative person or anything like I am better than them, it’s about how I give my power to them rather than standing on my own to help lift them to meet me. I struggle with the battle of self-judgment we humans have adopted and it serves us no good.
When I speak to others, and it comes from my authentic self, people start to speak from their authentic self also. I get nervous that people will get annoyed with me or won’t understand me and I have to come to terms with that not everyone is going to be open with what I have to say or truly understand it. When we strive for validation from others we surrender our power to them, which is a disservice to ourselves.
This post is a great example. I was nervous to share this surreal encounter because of sounding crazy and the fear of judgment from others. But I would actually love to be called crazy if it means I am living as just being me. Living to be authentically you, is uncomfortable at first, due to the noise of others, but once you tune out the noise life becomes seamless and beautiful.
When we strive for validation from others we surrender our power to them, which is a disservice to ourselves.
I also let go of judgment because it has no place here and when I do receive judgment I’ll do what my girlfriend does and return it to sender because what was sent to me was not actually for me.
And to Kailyn, the woman who brought a bright light into my day, I thank you for sharing your thoughts and what you are working on because it inspired me to do the same. You seemed like a free and loving soul and I strive to be the same.
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